The Silly Season

The last couple of months have produced some particularly stupid, self-contradictory, silly and even vile comments in and about Cambodia from politicians, journalists and the like. The upcoming election has had a lot to do with it, but it hasn’t been restricted to politicians alone. Amongst the many ill-considered remarks of the last couple of months, the following are but a choice few.

“Most Cambodian men are dignified—we never have sex with minors. Only foreigners do that.” - Phay Siphan
(Cambodian government spokesman reacting to the U.S. State Department downgrade of Cambodia's ranking in its annual human trafficking report. Leaving aside the many studies showing that Cambodian men make up the vast majority of sexual abusers of children and minors in Cambodia, this statement is so counter-factual as to almost defy reasonable retort.)

"If the Khmer Rouge killed a lot of people, they would not be stupid to keep it to show to everyone, they would destroy it to eliminate evidence. I believe that it was just staged." - Kem Sokha
(Opposition candidate apparently denying that the infamous S-21 Prison [Tuol Sleng] was real, seemingly claiming it was some sort of Vietnamese propaganda invention.)

"Atlantis-like lost city unearthed in Cambodia" - FOX news
(Headline of a story about the high-tech mapping of a Angkorian era city complex in Siem Reap, which was not lost, nor unearthed and certainly not 'Atlantis-like', whatever that is supposed to mean.)

“But not only did I not authorize his arrest, I also sent other agents to go to Micasa Hotel without notifying authorities. It was like signaling to him that the authorities knew, and he escaped...So you have to remember that I helped you (Kem Sokha) by breaking the law myself.” - Prime Minister Hun Sen
(While engaging in some political mud-slinging against the opposition candidate, apparently also publicly admitting to interfering with the police in order to facilitate the escape of an alleged sex criminal.)

"Any election result would be dismissed by the CNRP" - Sam Rainsy, paraphrase by Cambodia Daily.
(After saying that his opposition party CNRP would participate in the national elections, Sam Rainsy went on to say he would reject any election result, apparently including his own electoral victory.)

"Fairfax Media recorded the discovery of the first five temples after pushing through landmine-strewn jungle, swollen rivers and bogs with the expedition on a mountain called Phnom Kulen." - Sydney Morning Herald
(Article from SMH about the high-tech mapping of a Angkorian era city complex in Siem Reap, portraying itself as some kind of journalistic Indiana Jones, presumably with bullwhip and Fedora. They managed to work in a plug for the publisher as well.) 

"I hope people in Cambodia are discussing the unfolding tragedy: Stealing a generation: Cambodia’s unfolding tragedy." - Lindsey Murdoch
(Apparently, after almost a decade of the orphanage tourism problem here in Cambodia, dozens of discussions on travel boards over the last 8 years, several articles in the Cambodia Daily over the last two and a half years, several more articles in the international press including the very often cited Al-Jazeera piece last year and, of course, the well-publicized  Childsafe 'Children are not tourist attractions' campaign launched in 2011, it was his article 2 months ago in an Australian newspaper that may finally spark discussion of this "unfolding tragedy" here in Cambodia.)

New elections, old joke

Sam Rainsy walks on water. The local Cambodian press reports nothing about it. The next day Hun Sen walks on water. The local English-language press reports: 'Hun Sen can't swim.'

To Build a Road*

(* or: 'An Irishman walks into a bar...')

A Japanese company comes to Cambodia to build a road. They do a professional job, get it done almost on schedule, pick up most of the tab, employ local workers at decent wages, donate maintenance equipment and send an expert back periodically to follow up. While in town, the execs spend freely on karaoke, Johnny Walker Blue and young girls. The road is still in excellent condition more than a decade later.

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A Chinese company comes to Cambodia to build a road from the highway to some natural resource. They do a thin but serviceable job, get it done relatively quickly, clear cut miles of jungle on either side for the hardwoods, pay off officials, treat local workers like expendable slaves and dump broken equipment and old fuel oil in the river. While in town, the execs spend lots on karaoke, Johnny Walker Black and young girls. When the project is complete, they abandon dozens of Chinese workers in the country. High level government officials praise their fine work and strings-free generosity. The road disintegrates in 2 or 3 years.

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An American government-funded contractor comes to Cambodia to rebuild some road they blew up back in the 70s. First they build a massive walled compound for the American workers to live. They fly all new state of the art construction equipment in from America. They begin a series of regular airlifts to bring in all food, water and Budweiser from America. They set up a church group. The US embassy in conjunction with MTV Exit produces a list of approved bars, restaurants and sights that the American workers are allowed to visit. They send in an advance team of security and engineering experts to survey and secure the area.

They announce start up of the project will depend on improvement in Cambodia’s human rights, anti-trafficking efforts and election reform. Cambodia promises. They begin work on the road using a combination of well paid American and local workers. They threaten to stop work and demand improvement in Cambodia’s human rights, anti-trafficking efforts and election reform. Cambodia promises. They continue working.

They stop work while a congressional committee headed by Dana Rohrabacher debates whether Cambodia is living up to its human rights, anti-trafficking efforts and election reform promises. Nobody cares. They resume work. Somebody gets mugged in Phnom Penh. They stop work and evacuate all American workers to Guam. Six months later a security team is sent in. The team deems it safe enough. The American workers return to Cambodia to find all the supplies, machinery and even the newly laid road have disappeared.

They fly in more supplies and equipment from America. They start work again. They finish the road – truly a first rate job, probably the best road in Cambodia. They adorn it with US flag emblazoned plaques and monuments.

They hold a dedication ceremony attended by the US ambassador and the second assistant secretary of the local sangkat. The American contractors leave. A US government official announces that further aid will depend on Cambodia’s record on human rights, anti-trafficking efforts and election reform. Two months later the Cambodians set up toll booths, paint oknha names over the flags and the road is used to haul illegal timber and traffic sex slaves.
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A French company comes to Cambodia and doesn’t build a road.

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A Vietnamese company comes to Cambodia to build a road from the Vietnam border to some nearby Cambodian village. They use mostly Vietnamese labor, do a thin but serviceable job, and get it done on time. While in town, the execs spend a modest amount on karaoke, Johnny Walker Red and young girls. The project complete, all the Vietnamese workers stay in Cambodia and eventually send for their families to join them.

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A Russian company comes to Cambodia to build a road to a Russian financed pleasure palace development. On paper it costs 20 times more than any other road in Cambodia. They begin work. Work stops when the entire executive crew dies of alcohol poisoning. A year later a new group of executives arrives and work resumes. Work stops when two are arrested, one is shot, several disappear and the rest die of alcohol poisoning again. Two years later a new group of executives arrives and work resumes. Ultimately they build a good, serviceable road, using local labor at local wages. The pleasure palace is never completed, but (on paper) remains fully booked, year-round, at rack rates.

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A Thai company owned by a consortium of Thai generals comes to Cambodia to build a road. And in fact they build dozens of roads from the border deep into the jungle, and don’t tell anybody about it.

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A Malaysian furniture company comes to Cambodia to build a US$1,000,000 road if they can also build an entertainment complex. They build half an entertainment complex and put out the word that they are looking for investors.

One year later construction on the road has not yet begun and the Cambodian government asks what’s going on. The Malaysians announce they are holding an Investors Gala Celebration with free flow of Angkor Beer. Tickets $35/pax. At the Gala they announce their intentions to build a US$10,000,000 road. They build half a hotel attached to the half-built entertainment complex.

Two years later construction on the road has not yet begun and the Cambodian government asks what’s going on. The Malaysians announce they are holding a 5-star Grand Investors Gala Celebration with live Filipino band and free flow of Angkor Beer. Tickets $65/pax. At the Gala they announce their intentions to build a US$100,000,000 road. A Chinese restaurant is added to the half-hotel.

Four years later construction on the road has not yet begun and the Cambodian government asks what’s going on. The Malaysians announce they are holding a Supreme 6-Star Investors Super Gala Celebration with live Filipino band, a grand drawing and free flow of Tiger Beer. Tickets $85/pax++. At the Gala they announce their intentions to build a US$1,000,000,000 road.

Two years later construction on the road has not yet begun and the Cambodian government asks what’s going on. The Malaysians say “Road?”

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A Cambodian import-export company sets up to build a road using aid money donated by the EU. They retrieve the old Chinese equipment from the river, refurbish it using solder and bailing wire and filter the fuel oil from the water. They use the aid money to buy luxury cars and karaoke, Johnny Walker Blue and young girls. They gas up the old Chinese equipment with the recovered fuel oil and use it to flatten the ground into a basic but serviceable hardpack road. They call it “done.” The hardpack disintegrates the following rainy season. The Cambodians ask the EU for more aid to help rebuild the road. The EU sends money. A Cambodian import-export company sets to rebuild the road using the aid money. They retrieve the old Chinese equipment…

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(All companies and projects appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real companies or projects, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

Originally published on Khmer440.com

Where do your keep your pangolin?

Saw this (serious) story (The Curious Case of the Monkey in the Underpants) about some guy traveling with a monkey in his underwear and it reminded me of a post I made on the Lonely Planet Cambodia travel forum several years ago. I got several serious replies and a few admonishments. Only a couple got the joke. Someday somebody needs to invent a functioning [sarcasm][/sarcasm] mark-up.

Where do your keep your pangolin?

Like many travelers, I always travel with a pangolin. Last week at a $3 guesthouse in Siem Reap Cambodia, I had to go out just briefly and left my stuff there on the bed in the room, including my pangolin. When I returned, the pangolin and my $3500 camera were gone. The room was locked when I left and when I came back. There are no windows so only the guesthouse staff could have had access to the room through the locked door. When I confronted the manager, he insisted that it was "impossible" that any of his staff would steal my pangolin, and suggested that my pangolin had in fact stolen my camera, even implying that pangolins are prone to this sort of behavior. Well, there's no way. That pangolin has always traveled with me and has had plenty of earlier opportunities to steal my camera and lots more. Besides, how could it open the door to get out? With that prehensile tongue? I don't think so. The manager pled with me not to call the police and offered to give me the whole week in his guesthouse, plus dinners, for free, if I just wouldn't report it. Rattled by the loss of my pangolin, I accepted the offer. Here's my question: I know that Cambodians smile a lot. The country is known for its smiles. But every time they serve me my hamburger in the guesthouse restaurant, they don't just smile, but actually snicker, sometimes even laugh. Sometimes I even get the feeling that they are laughing at me. Am I just being paranoid?

Exsqueeze me?

Found in my travels around Cambodia over the last few months:

From a menu at a crab shack in the Kep Crab Market. When I saw it on the menu, I pointed and asked the waitress if the crap was meaty today. She assured me that the crap was very meaty and sweet that day. I asked if Fried Crap was a very popular dish and she told me that the tourists who come there all like to eat crap. So I ordered a big plate. And I must say, it was good shit. Recommended.

From a massage & spa place in Phnom Penh. 50% off every mount on the 1st. I wonder if this might give potential customers the wrong idea...or the right idea....

From a little Vietnamese café in Sihanoukville. That day I had the bopiled port and a small moodle. Wasn't that good, especially the moodle.

From a Thai restaurant in Phnom Penh. Thank goodness for photo menus. 

¿Que?

From a French restaurant in Phnom Penh. I didn't have the Chocolate Mouse because I don't like their beady little chocolate eyes.

Ran across this one just today. A train wreck of a brochure for a spa in Phnom Penh that managed to outdo itself by promising a "special of the rapists." That's something I think I'd care not experience, even in a "place for relaxation."

Calvin Klein

Southeast Asia Backpacker's Credo and Motto

The Credo
1. I shall eschew the ways of the tourist and have an authentic Asian experience rather than a shallow, contrived, package holiday. I am Traveler.

2. I shall wear the largest possible backpack to bear proud witness of my creed.
3. I will spend my travels on the quest for Our Holy Grail - for the ‘Unspoiled Place’ - a place undiscovered by tourists, where happy, welcoming, generous natives tend vast fields of ganja along a deserted, previously unknown tropical beach, and that has Internet access.
4. I shall begin my quest on Khao San Road.
5. I shall not leave Khao San Road without a Lonely Planet guide.
6. I shall never admit to using a Lonely Planet guide.
7. I shall follow ‘Wheeler’s Way’, a mystical school of thought, which both eschews and embraces Khao San Road – a way of finding the Unspoiled Place without ever leaving the path.

(Editors note: ‘Wheeler’s Way’ is a school of thought posited as a possible answer to the decades old conundrum known as the ‘Sang Thip Paradox’: If it is in Lonely Planet then I can find it, but it won’t be the Unspoiled Place. If it is not in Lonely Planet, it might be the Unspoiled Place, but I won’t be able to find it.)

8. I shall wear the traditional international backpacker’s uniform and don at least one piece of local clothing (conical hat, krama, yam, etc.) to show my oneness with the Asian people.
9. I shall not clean the local soils and aromas from my uniform for I wish to always carry a piece of where I have been.
10. I shall never wear a souvenir tee shirt in the tee-shirt’s country of origin.
11. I shall eat banana pancakes on a regular basis, for it is the quintessential Asian food.
12. I shall eat in the cheapest restaurants. Hygiene is for package tourists.
13. I shall travel by the least comfortable means, for comfort is also for package tourists.
14. I shall drink the local beer, for I shall always endeavor to be in tune with the local culture. And because it is the cheapest.
15. I shall stay in the cheapest guesthouse. More money for beer.
16. I shall not allocate more that 75% of my daily budget to alcohol and drugs. Moderation in all things.
17. I shall make a pilgrimage to a Full Moon Party at Had Rin Beach Koh Phangan at least once in my life. For it is Mecca.
18. I shall revel in food and mosquito-borne diseases, for these are the badges of the true Asian Traveler.
19. I shall not leave Thailand without having my hair colored, dreaded, corn-rolled or shaved off.
20. I shall model my travels on “On the Road” by Jack Kerouac
21. I shall read “The Beach” before entering Thailand so that I understand the goal of quest.
22. I shall read “Off the Rails in Phnom Penh” before entering Cambodia so that I understand the dangers of the quest.
23. I shall read “The Quite American” while travelling through Vietnam because everybody else is.
24. And this above all: I shall bargain without mercy and hone my skills to a sharp edge, so that I can proudly proclaim our sacred motto:

“I get it for less than the locals”

The Mantra
In times of trial and doubt – as I lose all feeling in my legs in the 14th hour of a local bus ride…when I can’t sleep for the noise of a thousand rats scurrying through my $2 room…as vomit and diarrhea spew simultaneously from my salmonella saturated body – I will repeat this mantra unto myself…

I am not a tourist
I am not a tourist
I am not a tourist
I am not a tourist
I am not a tourist
I am not a tourist

…until the doubt passes and I am ready for more authentic Asian experiences.


(I originally published this several years back. A couple of the references are a bit dated, but otherwise it seems to be holding up pretty well. Yes, I know, backpackers are an easy mark and perhaps picked on a bit too much, but having visited Khao Sarn Road today, I  just can't help myself. And it is, after all, the season to be jolly.) 

How many people can fit into a Cambodian taxi?

One more.

Annoying words and phrases heard in Cambodia

The Angelina Jolie Tree (ugh!)

Farang - 'Farang' is not a word general to Southeast Asia. It is a Thai word. Southeast Asia contains many countries, Thailand is but one of those countries, and each country has its own language. If you are going to use local lingo, use the lingo local to the country you are in. You're not in Pattaya anymore. In Cambodia, foreigners are 'barang.'

The Bodge - Duuuude, as cool as 'The Bodge' may seem rolling off the tongue, it just makes you sound like a pretentious wanker, much like that earring makes you look.

Kampuchea - 'Kampuchea' is the Khmer word for Cambodia. Pol Pot insisted the world say Kampuchea. 'Cambodia' is the English word for Cambodia. If you are speaking English, speak English. Saying 'Kampuchea' when you are speaking English doesn't make you sound in-the-know. It makes you sound like a Khmer Rouge sympathizer.

Yuon - For you Cambodians speaking English (or French,) a similar point. When you use 'yuon' when not speaking Khmer, your ugly implications are abundantly clear. If that is not your intent, when speaking English use the English word, Vietnamese.

'nom Penh - Dropping the 'p'  from Phnom Penh identifies you as having been in Cambodia about a month, just long enough to over-think it and get it wrong, which is probably not the image to are trying to project. In Romanized Khmer, 'ph' is neither said like an 'f' nor is it silent. It is pronounced like a 'p.' The city name is pronounced P'nom Penh.

The Penh - See 'The Bodge,' wanker.

The Angelina Jolie Tree - Iconic old tree towering from the ancient jungle-temple Ta Prohm, now reduced to a Hollywood cliché because it was in a big-name movie for a few seconds.

Maenamkhong, Ankor Vat, Pnum Pen, etc. - Archaic and foreign spellings and pronunciations say that you've done all your research on internet and/or never left your office in Phnom Penh.

"He bought her." - Employed by NGO types to add dark implications and a melodramatic flare when refering to a man who uses a prostitute. He did not 'buy her' any more than he bought the taxi driver who drove him to the bar. He purchased her services, not her.

clicks, Nam, ville, gook, etc. - The Vietnam War is over and you weren't there anyway. Distance is measured in kilometers, not 'clicks.' The country is Vietnam, not 'Nam.' A village is called a village, not a 'ville.' And 'gook' is just offensive.

LBFM - Why not just have 'SEX TOURIST' tattooed on your forehead?

Sustainability - NGO catch word of the decade. Formerly meant something like 'the capacity to endure,' but now designates all things good and PC, and as such has become all but meaningless.

War-torn Cambodia, emerging from war, haven for pedophiles, victims of the Khmer Rouge, jewel of Indochina, etc. - Tired old newspaper clichés from the 90s, still in use today. Journalists, if you're going to use clichés please write some new ones, preferably something up-to-date and relevant to today's Cambodia.

"I'm a volunteer." - No you're not. You're a pity tourist on a package holiday, likely on daddy's dime.

Have I insulted everyone?

A Field Guide to the Tourists of Southeast Asia

Touristus Touristus
The Fat Bottomed Watcherbird, a.k.a. the Tourist: (Touristus Touristus)
A plump, colorful, non-intrusive species known for its varied yet strict migratory patterns and strong tendency to stick close to the flock. Though the Touristus Touristus migrates to a different destination in each of its annual forays from its native nesting grounds, it does so only briefly, rarely for more than a three week period, and only as part of a flock, usually consisting of 15 to 30 Watcherbirds, which remain grouped tightly together for the duration. Interestingly, upon returning to their native nesting grounds, these flocks disperse, never to see their flock-mates again. Aside from their distinctive flocking habits the Touristus Touristus is most easily identified by its clean, bright plumage, a fat wallet and its appearance exclusively in well-established roosting areas. Though not a gregarious species, often treating the locals with noisy disdain, the Touristus Touristus is nevertheless a highly prized species at its migratory destinations due to its habit of defecating money when pleased. The Fat Bottomed Watcherbird is ordinarily welcomed and treated with great care by the locals who often go to extraordinary lengths to entice or even trick it into roosting at their location.

Touristus Denialus (alt: Touristus Touristus Denialus)
The Lesser Fat Bottomed Watcherbird, a.k.a. the Traveler: (Touristus Denialus)
Often indistinguishable from the Touristus Touristus, so much so that some experts have concluded the Touristus Denialus not to be a separate species but a mere sub-species of the Touristus Touristus (i.e. Touristus Touristus Denialus.) This species has a similar appearance, tends to travel to the same destinations and stays about as long at each destination as the Touristus Touristus. Nevertheless there are some distinguishing features. Unlike the Touristus Touristus, the Touristus Denialus tends to move in much smaller groups, sometimes only in pairs or individually and is much more likely to be observed away from the well-established roosting grounds. Comparatively speaking, their plumage is not as bright and their wallet is not as fat as the Touristus Touristus and they rarely defecate money. Most distinctively, when in the presence of a flock of Touristus Touristus, the Touristus Denialus will cling together and sing 'Notmeeeeee, Notmeeeeee, Notmeeeee' repeatedly. They are known to continue to mutter the 'Notmeeee' call amongst themselves for hours after the Touristus Touristus has departed. Though generally welcomed by locals at their migratory destinations, they are not considered a particularly desirable species and are largely ignored. The female of the species is especially vulnerable to exploitation by the locals and is often hunted by local beggars, children and volunteer organizations for her cache of funds.

Touristus Vulgaris
The Dirty Plumed Tit, a.k.a. the Backpacker: (Touristus Vulgaris)
A cliquey, communal, migratory, low-end species with a permanently engorged backpack, a tight money-belt and a haughty attitude about any species outside of the clique. Considered a pest species in many countries, particularly in Asia. They tend to travel in pairs or small groups along well-trodden routes and roost for extended periods in great raucous flocks that can take over entire islands or sections of cities. They are in a constant state of shedding plastic bottles. They thrive on a diet of beer and whatever is cheapest though they do require regular feedings of banana pancakes to maintain health. Due to their docile and naive nature they are occasionally baited, trapped and consumed by the locals. The Dirty Plumed Tit displays chameleonesque qualities, sporting a tousled plumage which vaguely mimics both the local inhabitants and the now extinct Touristus Hippius (i.e. the Hippie.) Their migratory cycle is determined by the complex interplay of the monsoons and the school year and their primary migratory patterns follow those of the extinct Hippies, though most of the roosting grounds along the traditional migratory routes have been environmentally and culturally decimated, largely due to the adaptive success of Touristus Vulgaris.

Touristus Phallicus
The Dogbird, a.k.a. the Sex Tourist: (Touristus Phallicus)
A rogue migratory species, usually traveling individually, often welcomed by the locals at its migratory destinations, but shunned by other members of the Touristus family. As the name suggests, this species displays great sexual disparity with over 90% of the observed specimens being male. The stereotypical Dogbird is rotund and sometimes pear-shaped, usually a middle-aged male, sporting bright flowery plumage and Faginesque facial features. But in fact Dogbirds are multi-varied in appearance and age and are more accurately identified by behavior and migratory patterns. This species migrates the year round, but to a much more limited range of destinations than other members of the Touristus family, including Southeast Asia, the Philippines, India and Sri Lanka, Russia and Costa Rica. Females of the species frequent different destinations. Also dissimilar to other species of Touristus which tend to engage in a variety of behavioral activities, the Touristus Phallicus generally shows little interest in local culture and engages in a much more limited range of behaviors, focusing primarily on non-productive mating behaviors with the locals. The Touristus Phallicus is considered an exploitative species by many experts, similar to the Catbird which lays its eggs in the nests of other species. But the Touristus Phallicus is exploited by the locals as well, often falling prey to its own narrow range of behaviors. Properly manipulated, some have been known to disgorge their entire fortune to a local bird less than half its age.